Dave

April 21st, 2007 by dave

Well, April 21st, almost a month since my last blog entry, time goes so fast.

So much has happened since then, I don’t know where to start…

Suppose I best start with the main thing right now.

Work

The business has completely taken over my life, completely, I haven’t really made time for anything else, I suppose its not a bad thing but at the same time it is, as much as I love coming to work every day its become a very overpowering thing in my life. It is the most important thing to me at the moment as the more days I spend working on things the more light I see at the end of the tunnel. Things have been hard, I wont lie and say it been easy, theres good times and theres bad times. Certainly when you are working with one of your best friends, you experience pressure like never before that really does test your friendship… When one of you is down, the other one needs to pick the other one up, if you are both down you may as well close the doors for the day and try again the following day. Also, personal problems are best left at home tucked under the rug with a settee holding it down. It’s so easy to get distracted and fall into the pit, time management is so important.

Anyway, enough about work, theres another blog for that…

Out of work

When I have actually “tried” to have a social life, I have mostly been visiting random pubs and bars with friends, I have for the purpose of my sanity tried to get away from the modified car circle and go places out of the way and basically forget about cars, engines, websites and anything else that could easily be linked back to Maxxd or the Modified Car world. Its not often but it does help to mix with people that aren’t really into that kinda thing and totally switch off from everything.

The love life has turned upside down recently, I’m not the person I once was, I don’t want the same things anymore, I keep telling myself that one day the right person will come along, but will they? I am afraid of falling in love again and getting hurt. Why do I let girlfriends get so close then let it get too much ? I know that certain things women do push me away, I don’t know if its an age thing? Change of character or what , supposed I’m just a confused dude right now.

I do want to be with someone, maybe older than me? - they have to be right person, love me for me , preferably have different interests and not mix in the same circles that I do, maybe that would help? For them to live there own life and not just mine… we shall see, you are out there somewhere !!!

Anyways, NEXT…

Last year I got back in touch with the Unwin family who had not had anything to do with me for years, I have always searched high and low for answers and spent three months with my real father, I moved down to live with him in Cambridge as you may have read in previous posts.

Anyway, since I came back up to Mansfield the communication with him has declined and I have not seen him once. I found out a hell of alot about my past and why certain things happened, even though I had not known him for over 16 years I kinda took his side and took the things he said as the truth, to this day I cannot confirm if all he told me was true, I suppose its hard to trust someone that has had nothing to do with you for so long. I stayed there for three months and in that time, was talked into changing my surname back, no messing about, it was like my Dad’s main priority, had he had pressure from the others, is that so fucking important to you all?

Why should I have a surname of a family that don’t give two shits about me?

After recent events I now know that I should have never got involved with them again, I KNEW deep down that they would fucking hurt me again and throw me to one side like they have done with other family members, how can they be so bitter? Do they have hearts or are they made of pure stone with no feelings ?

Recently, my Dad has lost his business, according to his website, this was due to the local council and funding issues, not to mention his website being taken down, which is my fault apparantly.

He asked me to sort him some web space, which I did without a problem, I mentioned that he would have to pay for it as we have to pay for our own server and could not afford to be paying more out at the time.

After asking him to sort out the payment direct, it got ignored and his site got switched off, totally out of my control. I explained this to him but he was convinced that I had done this to be a cunt. Anyway, after a bit of a disagreement he decides to move host and not talk to me, I lost my rag with him and said a few things that maybe I shouldnt have, but in all fairness he upset me, took the piss and made me angry, just like the rest of the so called “family”.

After a conversation with my Grandma (my Dad’s Mum), again, one that has left we really upset, she told me that he had contacted them telling them I had purposely shut his site down and that in effect had lost him business, sorry but it was a tearoom and bar, how did this lose him business?

Apparantly, they are all angry with me (the “family” that have had fuck all to do with me for 16 years” and came out with a classic line: “After all your Dad did for you, this is how you repay him” - sorry, but THREE months out of 16 years doesn’t compensate for anything, three months does not make up for all them lost years. I have had a similar conversation before, she should have just been honest and said your Dad wants nothing do do with you David. It wouldn’t be the first time.

What upsets me is that they can be so fucking bitter, I’m not the only one that they have nothing to do with, I am not mentioning names but they have an issue with someone else in the “unwin” family, again, something so petty, they cannot forgive, forget or infact take into consideration that we are all supposed to be family. I am the son and grandson, does that not mean anything ? I have never known a family like it, talk about holding grudges and being bitter. It feels like they are always looking to blame someone else other than themselves that the family is so fucked up. I shouldnt keep reffering to the word family but unfortunately I have some of their blood running through my veins.

No one knows where my Dad is, no address, no numbers, NOTHING, he has gone AWOL, or is that another lie, it wont be the first time they have lied to me? I still love him, its natural he’s my real Dad but I know for some reason he or the rest of them don’t feel the same, its one twisted family. Every day I think about him, where is he, whats he doing, it really fuckin hurts knowing that I will never know…

As for the good side….My Mum’s family.. I have a good relationship with her and my step Dad, in fact it’s fantastic and I love them to bits. My uncles/aunties are cool, I see one alot more than the other like but hey, thats life, I know they all care about me and when we get together we have a great time. My Grandma (my Mum’s Mum) bless her has been ill for sometime now but is the strongest woman on this planet, she has a heart of gold and loves us all, I wish she could stay alive forever, I have been so close to her all my life, I spent so much time with her when I was younger.

Then theres my Grandad Ken who sadly passed away last year, he was such a good man, had looked after us all for many years, proper family man and a fighter, we all miss you xx - I really do hope that his wishes come to light, its funny what so called “family” members come crawling out of the woodwork when someone passes away. I won’t get into that at all but just incase a certain few people read this I hope you go to hell for all the deceitful lies you have told, you should hang your head in shame !!!!!!!! How dare you go against someones wishes !!!!

I think i’ll leave the rant there, I’m pretty upset and pissed off at the moment, the only thing that takes my mind off the shit is work, its all I live for, to have that one chance of success and show people how serious I am and that I can achieve my goals, NOTHING in this world can hold me back, regardless of the crap that life throws at you..

I’m sure in time, this blog will get read by those mentioned in this entry and you will or more than likely WONT contact me, but hey, remember this, I was the ONLY person that could have carried on the “family” name, well, the name will carry on no further. You don’t deserve it.. Fuck you all !!!!!!

You could do me one favour though and click the ad below it might make me $0.08 - Thanks